There has been many threads and posts recently on our wonderful school newspaper, The Missouri Miner. An overwhelming majority of Seek42 forum users dislike the Miner, and for various reasons.

Well allow me to help persuade you why The Missouri Miner is the freshest and most totally sweet piece of reading you will ever touch.


1) The Missouri Miner produces orgasms.
I love the Miner so much that I feel it in pants. There are some mornings when I wake up and have morning wood because I had dreamed about the tremendous editorials and funny cartoons! I polled three girls who all confirmed that they became wet right when they turned the page to the Sudoku section!

2) Midget girls basketball team helps raise confidence.
Since I'm 5'7'' and have been short all my life, it's a great relief to see a picture of our girls playing b-ball and looking 3'10''. I feel somewhat threatened to stand next to some of the girls players and have received a boost of confidence since reading the latest issue of The Missouri Miner. Thanks!

3) Color advertisements and pictures.
The Missouri Miner has really stepped up their game with the latest implementation of color ads and pictures. I know this could be temporary and dependent on funding, but I can't wait to see more! I seriously said to myself, "Holy dog shit! My eyes aren't being beast raped by black and white!" And just like everyone else who reads the Miner, I orgasmed twice at that very moment.

Last but most fucking certainly not least...

4) The Missouri Miner cured my genital warts.
Yes.


So in conclusion, The Missouri Miner deserves only the utmost praise, and possibly cult-like worship. I've had a solid boner for 5 days straight, and love every god damn minute of it. And I know in my heart that I'm not the only one.

You should write for them; I was certainly more entertained by this than anything they've ever put out.

I pretty much stopped reading the miner when Foxtrot was cut..

They cut Foxtrot?!

well... technically they didn't, the author went to a weekend only format... but, they could have reprinted old material... I wouldn't have minded...

Wow. You could write for the Miner.

Seriously, though, I don't think it's all that bad for a school paper. Most of the problems are pretty minor (get it?) and are only annoying to people with nothing better to do than complain about the little things around them.

And read Dilbert. It's funny.

wtf is this?! Bird... no! Bad bird!!