A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a CAD monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000."

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. "You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week."

The second man, a well known realtor, says, "That's nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come."

The third man, a travel agent says, "I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that's gonna end-up costing me."

The fourth man, the engineer, doesn't say anything, so they asked him about it. He says "Well... it's no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: 'intercourse or golf course', and here I am, just like that."

The Airplane
A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer $5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.

Barney is Satan

MATHEMATICAL PROOF (as in Geometry)
REQUIRED TO PROVE THAT "BARNEY IS SATAN"
Given: Barney is a cute purple dinosaur
Prove: Barney is Satan

Step 1: The Romans had no letter "U" so they used "V'' instead for printing.

Therefore, the Roman representation for Barney would be CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Step 2: Taking CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, and extracting the Roman neumerals, we have:

C V V L D I V

Step 3: The decimal equivalent of these Roman neumerals would be:

100 5 5 50 500 1 5

Step 4: Adding these numbers together would produce:

666

Step 5: 666 is the number of the beast

Therefore: Barney is Satan Q.E.D.

Blind Golfers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude.

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow today, aren't they?

George: Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge.

SILENCE.

Priest: That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything we can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

An electrical engineer, computer engineer, and computer scientist all walk into a bar, tired from arguing over how to build a complex system at work. The bartender, after serving a few drinks (and noting the tension between them) finally says: "Well, at least you guys can agree on the simple things in life, like how to be patient, you know, waiting on things that are worthwhile to come to you."

Everyone nods and takes few more sips. After some thought, the computer scientist leans forward and says: "Yeah, yeah, just kick back and count those NO-OPs". A frown slowly develops on the face of the computer engineer: "Wait a minute man, there's no need to tie up a micro when you can just buffer more data with each tick of the clock." Both frustrated anew, they turn to the (now plastered) electrical engineer. Thinking for a moment, he says: "Simple guys; just cut a longer wire."

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

Q. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A. Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Repeat, RTFT.

Three engineers are discussing the God and what type of engineer he might be.

The mechanical engineer claims that God must truly be a mechE, as he notes, "look at the human body, the joints, the muscles, God must be a mechanical".

The electrical engineer turns to his friend and says, "No, look at the nerves and the synapses and the brain. God must truly be an EE."

The civil engineer laughs at both of these engineers. "You're both wrong", he starts. "Look at the human body. Who else but a civil would run a waste-water line, right through a recreation area?"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathmetician are staying in a hotel together. In the middle of the night a fire igintes down the hall from their room and they all go to put it out. He quickly analyzes the situation and determines the specific amount of water to put out the fire. The physicist grabs a hose and calculate the position just so the arc of the water ejected from the hose will end at the base of the fire. The mathmetician looks at both of them and yells, "Solution does not exist.", and goes back to bed.

A mechanical, electrical, and computer engineer are riding in a car when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer states that its a loose fan belt and it should be replaced. The electrical engineer says its a problem with the battery and the contacts need to be cleaned. The computer engineer explains that if they need to close the windows then open the windows.