Offend sombody.

If somebody doesn't get sued, I'll be dissapointed.

Ugh…my dad told me this one.

So a guy goes out, parties hardcore and passes out. When he wakes up the next day he’s feeling pretty well until he goes to do his morning piss. He looks at his pecker and notices red and brown rings. He decides to get it checked out, fearing it's a STD, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor looks at it and is amazed. “I’ve never see anything like that. I’m going to have to take some samples and gets some tests done.” The man sits in the waiting room and fears the worst, until the doctor comes out. “I have good news and bad news” he says. “The good news is that the red rings are lipstick. And the bad news is the brown rings are… Skoal.”

Be careful this St. Pats.

These might do the trick:


Q. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Q: How did Jesus walk on water?
A: Shit floats

Are racist jokes ok? Cause I got some good ones, but if there are people here who can't tell the difference between a joke and racist bigotry, I don't want to mess with it.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

I want to hear some white racist jokes (ones involving honkeys or crackers would be particularly delightful).

From Bobby Hill, the episode (of King of the Hill) where Bobby goes to a black comedy club:



I'm pretty sure that's a racist joke...

Just a disclaimer here, I'm not racist. You want racist jokes, rent a Chris Rock DVD. He's not racist, but there's a lot of racist jokes. Really funny though, is his "how to not get your ass kicked by the police" which I'm sure you can find on YouTube or something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoGApoG0wGA

There it is.

Not mine, but it's hard to beat a 4-for-1 deal...

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"

LONG JOKE:
A man is on the best day of his life. Things are getting serious with his girlfriend, so he is going to meet her parents for the first time. He also just received a large promotion at the company he is with, and got a considerable bonus check with it. He decides to purchase a new motorcycle as a sure way to impress his girlfriend's folks. At the dealership, he sees that everything is fairly out of his price range, and starts to get slightly discouraged. He starts talking to the dealer, and the dealer asks him to come in back. The guy does so, and sees a motorcycle that's just as nice as anything out front, but for a much lower costs.

The man asks the dealer, "What's the problem with this one? Why is it so much cheaper."

The dealer replies, "Well, I'll be straight with you. We've had this particular bike sitting around for about a year because there's some trouble with the ignition we just can't figure out. So we're selling it dirt cheap to get rid of it. The problem is, when water gets into the ignition, it doesn't start. Period. However, you can just put some sort of water repellent on the ignition to keep it out. Vaseline or something should work just fine."

The man thinks for a second, and then says, "Nothing else wrong with the bike."

"No, and I'll give you a 60 day warranty for free to make sure of that fact," says the dealer.

So, the man purchases the bike, runs to the drug store to pick up some Vaseline, then picks up his girlfriend. On the way to the girlfriend's parent's house, the girlfriend mentions that her family believes that there is way too much noise pollution in the world, so they are trying to abstain from talking. The first person to talk has to do all of the dishes, and this has been going for about 3 months, so there are a shit ton of dishes.

The man is taken aback, but he's heard stranger things in his life, so he goes along with it. At the house, he notices piles of dishes from floor to ceiling everywhere, but he doesn't say anything. Everyone sits down to a nice, albeit quiet, dinner. About halfway through, the man wonders, "How far can I take this." So he drops his girlfriends skirt and has his way with her right at the dinner table.

No one says a word.

After dinner, as he's throwing dishes onto the closest pile, he wonders again, "How far can I take this." Then he fucks the mom.

No one says a word.

As he's getting ready to go, he hears a clap of thunder outside and remembers what the dealer said about the motorcycle, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline just in case. However, as he does so, the dad jumps up and yells, "FUCK THIS BULLSHIT, I'M DOING THE DISHES!!!!"

funny thing is that that isn't bad advice (for anybody)

Racists jokes are terrible. I used to be friends with a black kid... but then my dad sold him.

http://www.sickjokebook.com/

Get the free PDF. All the dirty, offensive, racist jokes you'll ever need.

http://wonderfultimeinparis2.ytmnd.com/

this belongs here

A woman has 3 daughters. One day, she is doing some laundry. The first daughter approaches her and asks "Why did you name me Rose?". The mother replies, "Because when I was pregnant with you, a rose petal fell onto my stomach."

The next day, the second daughter approaches her mother and asks, "Why did you name me Daisy?" The mother replies, "Because when I was pregnant with you, a daisy fell onto my stomach."

The next day, the third daughter approaches her mother and says "REEEEEGGGGHHHHHBBBBBAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLNNNNNNNNGGGGG" to which the mother replies, "Shut up, Cinderblock".

"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"